The first time I had ever had a panic attack, I was leaving work after what seemed to be a very successful day. I was a brand new Director of Nursing, put in multiple situations that I was not ethically comfortable with and as much as I loved the challenge and the reward, it apparently was not in my wheelhouse to work for that company.
I just finished a CMS investigation and was carrying a bouquet of flowers I received for having a successful outcome with me to my car. I remember getting really dizzy and having to set it down at the nurses station before walking out the front door. My chest was so heavy that I could barely breathe, I kept thinking something was wrong with my heart because I could feel it beating outside my chest.
I recall telling one of the nurses, “Gosh, I don’t know what is wrong, I just don’t feel good”. I didn’t really know how to explain it. I never felt like this before and hated not knowing what was going on. I also recall laughing a few times trying to minimize the severity of it all in my own head and not wanting all eyes on me as I struggled to gain control over my body and the entire situation, but it hurt so badly and the more I thought about it, the worse it got. I literally could not breathe, like at all.
I called my boyfriend at the time to pick me up and take me to the emergency room. They did several tests and gave me oxygen. I felt some relief and it scared me more knowing that oxygen can help with angina and so there was definitely something wrong with my heart. I was hyper fixated on them telling me that I wasn't having a heart attack. They then gave me a double dose of Xanax and boom… it was all gone, but I was very drowsy, lethargic, and straight up exhausted.
I was diagnosed with anxiety, panic attack disorder, and major depression disorder.
Ouch. Reading that out loud and putting it for the whole world to see is not comfortable.
I took the medications prescribed because that’s all I knew to do at the time. Sure, they helped, but the side effects were horrible and I was right back in the emergency room the very next day after I got off work. Took more Xanax and sent me home to rest. I don't recall the next few days after that.
Something needed to change. I needed way more help than I realized. I started counseling sessions and went through multiple counselors until I found the right one several years later. I started listening to audiobooks to save the relationship I was in at that time which lead me to self improvement and this opened up my whole world. In 2017 I heard an audiobook by Rick Warren that changed the entire projectory of my being. That's a blog post waiting to be shared in the near future.
Here’s the deal, the anxiety, depression, and panick attacks didn’t happen over night. There were several… several life choices that brought me to that moment. I was absolutely miserable in all aspects of my life. Sure I was living just like everyone else, but I wasn't ALIVE!!! It took that moment to spark change and make the decision that I didn’t want to stay there, I didn’t want to let that moment define me. I literally took a very hard look at who I was for myself and my family and I journaled every single aspect of my life and made the choice to change what wasn't serving my purpose, what wasn't aligned with who I was meant to be.
Sure, I made more choices that didn’t work out, but not a single one of them were bad enough for me to say… this is it, this is where I stay, I’m done, I can’t do better.
I got up and I moved on. Learning from each mistake and looking for a better way to do things differently. Why? Because when you know better, you do better.
Life happens in seasons. You win some, you lose some, but don’t be fooled. Don’t repeat the same damn mistakes over and over again and call that life. You deserve to live a life you love out loud and to be the best version of yourself every single day.
I look at these two pictures and I think… WOW. Who was that first person? I don't even know her. I am so thankful to be who I am today! But I couldn’t be me without being her first. I had to overcome that person. I had to make some tough choices to better my life and overcome myself and the life circumstances that I endured.
I can proudly say I love me, I care about me, and I am grateful for the choice to never let the lows define who I truly am. Through bettering my circle, my mental and physical health, and my self-esteem I can proudly proclaim the following:
You are beautiful inside and out.
Your dreams are worth living for.
You are smarter than you think you are.
There is no limit to the strength within your soul.
Your God is forever all powerful.
Your self-care is more valuable than the box people think you should fit in.
Your fire burns brighter than any darkness that tries to get into the cracks in your life.
So I guess I’m saying this: 1. You are the product of your choices, but you are not defined by your choices. 2. It’s never a better day than today to make the choice to love yourself enough so you can love your life too. 3. The better you know, the better you do… read that again… the better you know, the better you do.
I am grateful for the opportunities I have fought so hard to have and absolutely grateful to offer coaching in many forms - healthy lifestyle choices, audiobook suggestions, social groups for support, inspirational quotes, this blog, anything - to help women get to a point in their life that resonates with their purpose.
If you're in a state of not recognizing the person in the mirror, please book your free consultation today. I'd love to connect with you and share my skills and resources. I understand that not everyone is open for change. I get where your heart is at right now. I pray for the day you will be ready. My inbox is always open and I am just a click away if you ever need anything. Feel free to message me directly any time of the day, I will always respond as soon as possible.
Until then, hang in there. Whatever you are going through, you will get through it and it won't define the chapter ahead of you. You got this hun. God is always with you.
Hugs from the Heart,
Coach Candi Sue
P.S. blondes have more fun 😜
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